Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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