Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
