Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she pinky promised me she was 18
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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