saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
