Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The uberlube is also flammable
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
