What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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