Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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