we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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