He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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