tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
