You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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