Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Will exercising make me less horny?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
