The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
