The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
