There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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