Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
