Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
