Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
