Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
