you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
