So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
