I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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