You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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