he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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