I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
