She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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