I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
nutella sex= disaster
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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