they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
