So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
