Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
