i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
