Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
