you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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