broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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