Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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