I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
