thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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