Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
