you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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