when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
