can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
