Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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