At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
