I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
