All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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