My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
