She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
