The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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