GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
