The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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