You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
