i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
