Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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