New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
