I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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