i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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